Horoscopes (Summer 2000)

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19)
All right, pool boy, let's go! You still think you're a water sign, don't you? Don't you? Well, honey you're not. It's time to deal and move on. Quitting your job as the water boy at the road race or the lifeguard at the pool will be the first step in your recovery. I know it seems odd that an Aquarius, which contains the word aqua (water in LATIN), could be an air sign, but it's true. Believe us, we know these things.

Pisces (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20)
The new millennium has been filled with millions of events--some good and some very bad. You may think that the bad far outweighs the good, but it is really the other way around. Summer will bring clarity and will strengthen relationships with others--especially those in your sister-sign, Cancer.

Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 20)
Summer is the best time of year for you. Freedom is exactly that which the flickering flame of the fire sign desires most. Find a concert to attend or go to a club and dance! Above all, enjoy yourself--this is the purpose of summer anyway.

Taurus (Apr. 21 - May 21))
I'm nobody, who are you?/Are you nobody too?/Then there's a pair of us./Don't tell -- they'll banish us, you know./How dreary to be somebody,/How public -- like a frog --/To tell your name the livelong June/To an admiring bog. ~Emily Dickenson

Gemini (May. 22 - Jun. 21)
"When the lovin' starts and the lights go down/ and there's not another living soul around/ you can rule me until the sun comes up/ and you say that you love me." ~Fleetwood Mac

Cancer (Jun. 22- Jul. 23)
This is a wonderful time of year for you. The past few months have been kinda rough, but now you see where your true loyalties are. Summer brings you closer together --especially with those in your sister-sign, Pisces. Enjoy the moon and water at the beach with someone special, as your emotions are ruled by all three.

Leo (Jul. 24 - Aug. 23)
These past few months have shown quite a change. Your sign has a split personality--either you've made great progress in becoming truer to yourself, or your latest loves have distracted you and you have lost your way. Fear not, for with summer will come clarity.

Virgo (Aug. 24 - Sept. 23)
The squirrels in your head are speaking. Are you listening to them? Squirrels are remarkably smart animals--a little forgetful at times but otherwise complete geniuses. Listen to the squirrels around you, but always use your inner squirrel to translate their gibberish.

Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23)
Beware the Elves. Those devious Keeblers are at it again. The cookie-happy tree sprites are sending out waves that will cause you to become addicted to their deliciously fudgy baked goods. If hit, resistance is futile. Beware!

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22)
Dragons are beautiful, powerful and lucky creatures--do you seem to be exhibiting these traits? Then maybe you are a dragon. Don't be alarmed, there are many groups that can help you and your family cope with this transition. Remember, not all people will be accepting of your calling, but dragons are wonderful and you're fantastic for staying true to yourself.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21)
Elk are beautiful animals. Proud and strong, they traverse the great expanse of that North American Siberia--Canada. But beware, the elk can be a dangerous animal, and depending on certain events well, let's just say, you may end up doing something that will allow you to eat it. Fortunately, elk are not very gamey and, from what I hear, quite delicious. Once you taste elk, there's nothing else that will seem as good.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20)
In the last zine, I believe we foretold your death. If you're still alive, congratulations! You've survived your own personal apocalypse. If our prophesy did come true, then you'd be... well, you wouldn't be able to read this, now would you? um...never mind then.