I Remember

I remember rocky beaches, not knowing my own feelings and weird energies invading my body so I don't know how to stand. Being angry about medication and it didn't make it better. I remember four cups of coffee and not being able to concentrate and then a hangover, or that's what it felt like. Being alone, oh no, can't write, mental blocks frustrating me beyond comprehension and they won't go away after two years. That's when I started Prozac, I think it's doing more harm than help or whatever I mean to say. FRUSTRATION No one understands because I cannot explain, I have to get off this f***ing sedative. I hear laughter and it's confusing, I don't know what to think. I remember at camp when I was happy. I remember times then when I was not confused and when I felt like flying. I felt like a piece of artwork and I made almost perfect roses out of clay. I wish I could still play beautiful music like that. I feel like crying it's so beautiful. It drowns me. Drowning in overwhelming beauty and my own tears. Reaching up to the night sky with twinkling fingers like stars that play music like water. I want to play like that again. I need beauty in me, it comes out through my fingertips. I could play like that if I tried, I am going to try. I will pour my heart out into my music onto the keys. Dancing on the keys. I will not give up no matter how much it hurts and when I think I have no beauty. Oh, it fills my head and I am not confused anymore-I know what I am living for.
**Cherokee Raven